Love and Video Games

I'm going through a tough time in my life right now.

A year ago, I had a dead-end job. I wasn't utilizing my bachelor's degree in physics, mostly because the proper thing to do with a bachelor's degree in physics is continue to graduate school and get a master's degree or, likely, doctorate. Of course, I had been in graduate school, and dropped out for various reasons, among them severe depression and a dying interest in academia. I had decided I didn't want to teach and I didn't want to research. Getting a Ph.D. in physics not only requires both but commonly leads to one or the other. There are industry jobs as well, but I didn't have one in mind. So I had left school, and I was working, and then a year ago I decided to go back to school in another subject. For the past year, I've been studying computer science instead, with the aim of getting a master's degree in the new subject. I was confident, at first, but my present transition from undergraduate computer science coursework (in which I did extremely well) to graduate computer science coursework (which somehow isn't what I expected) is making me doubt that I can pull this off. If I can't, then I don't know what I'll do. I'm already old. My depression is coming back, which is causing problems in my relationship with my long-time girlfriend, which is causing more depression. It's not like I'm in need of psychological help. I've been through much worse and I survived. But it still sucks.

On top of all that, perhaps worst of all, is the most unbearable hardship I can imagine: I don't have time for video games anymore.

I certainly don't have time to be writing this. I mean, if I were really a good student, I would be studying or writing a paper right now. I'm not sure what prompted me to start writing this post, aside from a need to vent. I'm not even sure where I'm going with it. I guess I'll just go where my heart takes me. Outlines and structure be damned. I might not even proofread this.

Video games are a tremendous waste of time. That much is clear. All the thousands of hours I've spent playing video games over the past 20 or more years could have been spent doing much better things. I could have been studying more in high school to get straight As instead of that mediocre mix of As and Bs. I could have been working every summer instead of staying up all night every night with my eyes glued to a screen. Realistically, though, even if video games had never been invented, I suspect my eyes would have been glued to screen anyway. I'd have spent those endless hours watching TV, like a less nerdy version of a person who is exactly as lazy as I am. Are video games a more tremendous waste of time than any other non-athletic, non-educational form of recreation? If so, it's probably just because they're harder to put down.

Video games have been an important part of my life, whether I like it or not. A surprising number of my childhood memories come with a footnote of which game I had been playing that week. I once went sledding with my friends on the same day I played quite a bit of Star Fox 64, and now sledding reminds me of Star Fox 64. (Is that weird?) I talk about video games frequently with my siblings, but I often have to stop myself from doing so with my girlfriend and other people who don't care to hear how something in a game I played years ago might be relevant to the current topic of conversation where a more normal person might reference a TV show or a movie instead.

My girlfriend doesn't care about video games. She might even dislike them, perhaps even as much as I dislike her taste in music. It's not something we do together. I wish that would change, though. If she had a decently working computer, I'd try to get her to join me in some game she might enjoy, like Portal 2 or anything else with a learning curve appropriate for someone who hasn't been playing video games for at least two decades. Then again, maybe not. On rare occasions in the past, she has played a video game with me (or played alone as I watched), but I'm fairly sure now that she only forced herself to do so because she thought I'd be happy if she gave some of my hobbies a try. I'd love it if she actually enjoyed all the things I enjoy, but I wouldn't want her to pretend to like something for my sake. I haven't suggested video games as an activity for the two of us in a long time, and I guess that's why.

Is this a problem? Would I rather be dating a "gamer" instead? Absolutely not. I love my girlfriend far more than I love video games, and I think a mutual interest in something like video games is an stupid basis for a relationship. But that's just me. So you found the love of your life at a LAN party? That's amazing and I'm happy for you. For me, though, a shared interest in video games is neither sufficient nor necessary as a prerequisite for love. I'm not even convinced that it's a significant perk. I was briefly with one person who loved video games, and her interest in games didn't help the relationship work. I've been with my current girlfriend for much longer, and I've found that it's good to have something I can do without her anyway. (On a more cynical note, video games aren't going to remind me of her if we break up, so at least there's that.)

If we ever have children, she'll probably want to place strict limits on their use of the video games that will inevitably end up in our home, and I think I'd be okay with that. I could have used more discipline when I was younger. Now, like a tobacco addict who tells kids not to smoke, I know how addictive video games can be, and I don't think it makes me a hypocrite to say that kids shouldn't play them for 12 hours a day even though I used to do the same on a semi-regular basis. Moderation is key.

I don't think I could ever bring myself to ban video games from my future household entirely, and not just because I enjoy them immensely myself. No kid in the 21st century wants to have the weirdo parents who don't allow video games. Furthermore, video games are probably the cure for the inevitable phase of adolescence in which kids no longer want to hang out with their parents. As someone who always thought video games were cool, I would have been thrilled at any stage of my life if my mom or dad had wanted to play a video game with me. I don't think that ever happened, though.

The worst thing video games ever did to me was keep me from more frequently reading books for pleasure, but I can't really blame video games for simply being more fun. Now the shoe is on the other foot; my childhood is far behind me, and leading a productive life means I'm kept from the beloved pastime on which I spent far too much time in my youth. It hurts. But that's life.